


Bokuto's Funeral

by binding_of_cain



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Forgive Me, Happy Ending, Hurt, I cried while writing this, I'm so sorry, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Suicide, Unhappy Ending, chapter two is if he woke up, poor portrayal of suicide survivor recovery, some strong hints of bokuroo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-20
Updated: 2016-07-23
Packaged: 2018-07-25 15:58:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7538899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/binding_of_cain/pseuds/binding_of_cain
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Bokuto has been struggling with mental illness for years and finally comes to the conclusion to take action.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is based heavily on true events that happened to me. I'm so so sorry for this.

Bokuto laid in their huge bed, head swimming through thoughts. He knew what he wanted, he just wasn't sure he was ready; wasn't sure Kuroo, Akaashi, and Tsukishima could take it.

“It's now or never…” He mumbled. He left the bedroom and went for the kitchen drawers to retrieve a piece of paper. Sitting at the table, he scribbled out a message, tears streaming down his face and dripping onto the page.

“It's now or never.” He repeated as he got up and went to the bathroom, paper in hand. He shakily opened the bathroom cupboard and obtained his medicine. He stared at the label.

“take one every day by mouth at bedtime”

“may cause dizziness”

He gulped and took it to their room. He placed the note on the bedside table and fetched a glass of water. He sat on the edge of the bed and stared at the pills in his hand.

“I'm sorry guys. I hope you'll forgive me.”

He was scared. Some pills spilled onto the floor as he smushed his hand to his mouth. He swallowed with some water.

He laid down on the bed, taking in the scent of the pillows and sheets. Sobs wracked his body as the room began to spin. 

“I love you. I love you. I love you…”

Everything faded to black.

 

Kuroo fumbled with his keys.

“Goddamnit!” He spat as he dropped his keys for the third time. After a long day at work he couldn't wait to just relax. It was a rather beautiful day in autumn so he thought he might take a walk once he changed clothes. Finally, he unlocked the apartment door and stepped inside. He removed his shoes and threw his keys on the table, noticing one of the drawers opened. He closed it.

“Huh.” He hummed. He made his way to the bedroom to change. He froze in the door way and smiled fondly.

“Bo, what are you doing home?” He said as he made his way to the bed. Something cracked under his foot as he got to the edge.

“What the…” He looked down. “Bo, why are… there….” He trailed off as he looked to Bokuto.

“... Bo?”

He sat on the bed and shook Bokuto gently. It's unlike him to not rouse the moment someone talks, let alone when he's moved.

“Bokuto.”

He shook harder.

“Bokuto?? Koutarou?!” Kuroo raised his voice to a scream. He pressed his fingers to his neck and felt a faint pulse. “Holy shit. Oh my god. Oh my god.” He frantically grabbed his phone from his pocket and called an ambulance. Once an ambulance was en route he called Akaashi.

“Akaashi, he's not waking up. He's not waking up, Akaash. He's not..!” Kuroo was hyperventilating.

“Who's not waking up? Kuroo, what's going on?” 

“Koutarou. I just- I just got home and he- he's on the bed and - and he's not w-waking up. I called- I called an ambulance, they're on the way.” There was a long pause.

“What hospital are they taking him to? I’ll call Tsukishima and we’ll meet you there.”

 

Akaashi and Tsukishima beat them to the hospital. Kuroo rode in the ambulance with Bokuto. Once he was whisked away by doctors, the three boys were shown to a family waiting room in the ICU. 

“He’ll be taken here once he’s stabilized.” They told them.

Everything was a blur. Akaashi and Tsukishima hugged Kuroo as he sobbed in that waiting room. 

 

Hours later, the boys lay in different stages of disarray. Akaashi had his head rested on the wall, staring at the ceiling. Tsukishima’s leg was bouncing. Kuroo was curled in on himself, head in his hands and elbows on his knees. Bokuto’s parents joined them in the waiting room, holding coffees and sitting in the corner. A nurse entered the room. All of them were on their feet in seconds. The nurse couldn’t look any of them in the eye quite yet.

“He’s been stabilized. We’re going to run a few tests to see how responsive he is, that will determine whether or not he will recover.”

Various nods and “Okay”s echoed in the room. A sob escaped Bokuto’s mother. The boys wondered what they did to deserve this hell on earth.

 

About an hour later, the same nurse reappeared with a doctor in tow. 

“...brain completely gone…”

“... 0% chance of recovery at best…”

“... say your goodbyes…”

The doctor and nurse disappeared. Akaashi hugged Tsukishima, crying openly. Tsukishima’s glasses were no longer on his face. Kuroo dropped to the floor and hugged his knees. Bokuto’s parents embraced each other. 

Bokuto’s parents went first to see him. The crying boys were left in the waiting room, dying to see their Bo, yet at the same time they’d rather be anywhere else doing anything else. Anything but this. Kuroo began rocking back and forth as he sat crosslegged on the floor.

“We… We should have been there.” He said weakly, his voice gravelly from crying.

“No, don’t.” Tsukishima said harshly. “Don’t you dare.”

“Do you not feel responsible?” Kuroo’s voice wavered as he spoke. “Do you not feel like we could have done more to help him?”

“Kuroo, not now.” Tsukishima replied curtly. Akaashi hadn’t spoken a word in hours.

“No! I feel responsible! We should have been there! WE SHOULD HAVE STOPPED HIM!! DON’T YOU SEE THAT?!?” Kuroo was hysterically screaming as he got to his feet, stumbling slightly. Akaashi flinched at the outburst. Kuroo released a yell and balled his hands into fists. He shook with rage. Tsukishima hid his face in his hands, crying again.

After what seemed like hours, Bokuto’s parents returned. Bokuto’s father held his wife tightly, as if she’d fall any moment. They both took a seat and said nothing. Glances were exchanged and the three boys exited the waiting room and turned left into the intensive care unit. They passed through double doors, and found themselves in front of many cubicles containing people in various stages of death. They followed the nurse from before to a cubicle to the far left. A purple ribbon was taped up on the window. They steeled themselves before entering.

Bokuto was hooked up to a breathing apparatus, his heartbeat audible from one of the machines keeping it beating. His chest was rising and falling evenly. His eyes were closed, giving the look of peaceful sleep. A choked sob escaped Akaashi’s throat. Tsukishima stared, both taking it all in and taking nothing in at the same time. Kuroo felt sick. The first to say a word was Kuroo.

“Oh, Bo…” He cried as he stepped up to the bed, taking one of Bokuto’s hands in his own and the other stroked through his grey hair. “My Bo… My Bo…” His head fell and sobs shook his body again. Tsukishima went to Kuroo’s side, his hand placed on top of the other two’s. 

Tsukishima could barely speak, but managed one small word. “Koutarou…” He slung his other arm over Kuroo’s shaking shoulders.

“We love you, Koutarou.” Akaashi said at the foot of the bed. Both Tsukishima and Kuroo looked up at him. “No matter what. We promised we’d love you forever and that hasn’t changed.” Akaashi made his way to the head of the bed, past the other two boys who moved out of the way. “We love you, Koutarou.” Akaashi repeated shakily. He leaned down and kissed Bokuto’s forehead. “In sickness and in health; in life and in death.” Kuroo released a loud sob and Tsukishima did the same, covering his mouth with his hand. “You’ll watch over us won’t you? You’d make the best guardian angel. I know you would.” Akaashi smiled and ran his hand through Bokuto’s hair. “I know you would…”

“You better.” Kuroo added. Tsukishima looked at him. “After leaving us you better watch after us. I’ll look for you every day.”

“I’ll miss you…” Tsukishima said. “I’ll miss you, so so much.”

Bokuto…

 

 

It’s been a little under a week since Bokuto’s diagnosis, and death. It wasn’t raining, nor was it overly cloudy. The sun was out and it was fairly nice in temperature. Crowds of people swarmed the funeral home Bokuto’s wake was held in. Coaches, teammates, friends, family. Practically all of Fukurodani Academy attended. In the corner of the room there was a memorial with all his volleyball trophies and favorite trinkets. A giant owl squishable was found there, as well as his favorite owl slippers. There were pictures of him, pictures of him with his family, and pictures of him with his lovers. There was a slide show of Koutarou with all his friends playing on a TV, as well as clips of him playing at games.

Kuroo didn’t think he could cry harder, but he proved himself wrong. Sitting in the funeral home in front of the casket could not have hurt more. He glanced up and caught a glimpse of his best friend’s corpse again and fresh waves a tears cascaded down his cheeks. Akaashi squeezed his left hand harder. Tsukishima had his arm wrapped around his shoulders. Every so often he’d hear a “I’m sorry for your loss” and he’d nod robotically.

The time came to have a small service for the close friends and family. Bokuto’s parents went first, approaching the casket and saying their final goodbyes; followed by uncles and aunts, cousins and siblings, and finally the three lovers.

“Life won’t be the same without you, Koutarou.” Tsukishima said. He sighed heavily as tears fell down his face. “It really won’t.”

“I love you Koutarou.” Akaashi said through tears.

Kuroo stared momentarily. “I was hoping this would be a joke. Some sick prank. I’d take any prank over this.” He paused to choke on a sob. “We love you, Koutarou.”

“Goodbye.”


	2. If He woke Up

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What would have happened if Bokuto woke up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know little about the actual road to recovery of suicide attempt survivors. Please be gentle with me ;_;

The first thing Bokuto noticed was the smell. The smell of antiseptic and soap. He sniffed lightly.

The next thing he noticed was the voices. Crying voices. He recognized them; his lovers.

“We love you, Koutarou.” He heard Akaashi say. “No matter what. We promised we’d love you forever and that hasn’t changed.” He heard shuffling and felt a kiss touch his forehead. “We love you Koutarou…” 

“… Well… I love you… too…” Bokuto croaked. A gasp escaped Tsukishima and it was deathly silent.

“… Kou?” Kuroo whimpered. “Kou are you there?” He pushed past Akaashi and gripped the bed.

“Yeah… bro…” Bokuto smiled and lifted his hand slightly to wave.

Kuroo embraced Bokuto around the neck. “Oh god, thank you… thank you…” He sobbed.

“Nurse! He’s awake!” Tsukishima called out the cubicle.

“I’m sorry …”

“DON’T!” Kuroo nearly yelled. “Koutarou, don’t you dare apologize.”

“We’re sorry, Koutarou. We should have…” Akaashi murmured through tears.

“No, I … I was being irrational.” Bokuto said between ragged breaths. “I shouldn’t… worry you like … this.”

“No, no, don’t blame yourself.” Kuroo breathed heavily, gulping air down desperately. “You didn’t do anything wrong. You’re going to be okay.” A nurse came in and pushed past all of them.

“It’s a miracle…” The nurse whispered. “We need to run some tests; I promise you guys can come back once we’re done.” She said as she ushered them out.

 

The road to recovery was hard. Bokuto was kept in the mental health ward until he recovered enough to go home. Of course, he had visitors every week. In 3 weeks, he was home and eating a home-cooked meal courtesy of Tsukishima. All medications and knives were locked in a safe in their kitchen and Kuroo began working from home to stay with Bokuto at all times. All of them took turns going to therapy with Bokuto.

One particular evening in early October, Bokuto found himself sitting on their couch watching TV. He began humming the cartoon’s theme song he was watching, a small smile on his face. Kuroo plopped down beside him.

“How’s my Bo doin’?” Kuroo asked as he stretched his arm over Bokuto’s shoulders.

“Good.” Bo answered with a large grin. He nuzzled into Kuroo’s side. “I’m so good.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a while. Bo sat up suddenly.

“Can I ask something?”

“Of course, what’s up?” Kuroo turned to look at Bokuto.

“Who… y’know… found me… back then.” Bokuto couldn’t look him in the face. Kuroo’s eyes widened at the memories that flooded back to him. Bokuto on the bed, the pills on the floor, the note on the table.

“Uh, I did.” He answered after a few seconds. Bokuto looked up at him and met Kuroo’s gaze.

“I’m so sorry you had to see that.” Bokuto teared up.

“I’m sorry I had to, too.” Kuroo stared at a point beyond Bokuto, the images still burned into his memory. He’ll never forget the sequence of events that led to him finding Bokuto’s nearly lifeless body. They sat in silence for a few seconds.

“My therapist suggested I find out what happened to find some closure. I guess it helps to know you found me. I’m so glad you did…” Bokuto explained through tears as he wrapped his arms around Kuroo. Kuroo hesitated to move but hugged him back anyway.

“Me too… I’m so relieved to have you in my life, Bo. I don’t know what I’d do if I lost you… I don’t know what WE would do if we lost you. I’m just…” A sob escaped Kuroo’s throat. “… so happy you’re here.”

“I’m not going anywhere… I promise.” Bokuto squeezed Kuroo tighter.

“Good to know.” Akaashi said as he entered the living room, a slight smile on his face. Bokuto released Kuroo to look at Akaashi as he sat down next to him. He hugged Bokuto and kissed him like the world was ending. “We love you, Koutarou. I mean it.”

“I know.”

“Dinner’s ready!” Tsukishima hollered from the kitchen.

The four of them ate dinner together, recalling stories from Akaashi’s and Tsukishima’s work. Kuroo whined about a particularly pissed off customer he had to help over the phone.

Bokuto laughed and smiled and lived happily with his lovers by his side.

**Author's Note:**

> The purple ribbon means the nursing staff is doing everything they can to make the person as comfortable as possible before their inevitable passing.


End file.
